I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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