So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You ate ashes out of my bong
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
