Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i will never coherently bang her
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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