I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
