Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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