The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
