my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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