4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize