I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
