brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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