I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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