omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
