rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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