I feel great
I just peed on a car
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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