I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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