if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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