I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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