Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
