can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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