thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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