he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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