My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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