I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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