Swine flu. Run for my life!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
