im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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