I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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