I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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