SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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