I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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