you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize