I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Every concussion has its silver lining
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
