If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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