someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
