All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
