her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
