so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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