god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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