____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
