So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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