Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
