The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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