take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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