I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
