somebody snuck up and got me drunk
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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