but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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