I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i came on her dog
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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