Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
