Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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