I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
