Just fell off a train. Bad.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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