I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
