Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize