I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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