i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We talked him into tasing himself.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Randomize
