The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
