I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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