Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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