I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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