when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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