Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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